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Don’t You Hate Pants?

By March 5, 2009herb's eye view

Man, I hate pants!

And, I hate shopping!

Guess what really shakes my beer flat…

Earlier today, I buckled down and went out to find me a few good pairs of pants to replace the other 3 in my rotation of the last 3 years. I still wear and enjoy the 3-year old pairs, but figured any of ’em could disintegrate right off my legs or burst into flames any day now. Having a few to slowly introduce into my rotation would make the transition of filtering the dying ones on out and ultimately ending up with a pants rotation that was fully comfortable and broken in.

Since I rarely ever go out shopping and even more rarely go out shopping for pants, I tend to forget my waist and inseam measurements (and I tend to forget how much I really, really hate shopping for pants). Needless to say, I was inclined to try on numerous pairs of pants before purchasing something I wouldn’t have been able to wear later.

So, there I am, trying on pair after pair wondering to myself “Who else has tried on this same exact pair that I am now trying on?” And as my smallish physical stature is not shared with many of my adult contemporaries, thoughts soon meandered to “Probably some pre-growth spurt, husky grade school kid who ran his swamp-butt off playing kick-ball during recess before fully ripening up during sweaty, balmy P.E. class whose mother insisted on him trying on some pants before going home to play video games.” I threw up a little in my mouth after that thought, and all I wanted to do was to get out of TJ Maxx.

But NO! It is not often I take on the dire task of buying pants, and it is something I will definitely not want to set out to do again for a long, long time. So, I manned up, and stayed. And continued shopping. *shudder* In TJ Maxx.

At this point, I didn’t even care what the pants looked like; just so long as they fit. After I tried on a few pairs, I more or less figured out my measurements. Waist line? Check. Inseam? Hmmm….can’t seem to find anything with an inseam shorter than 30 (yeah, that’s how short I am)…geez…I hate this. Fine, maybe 30’ll work; I’ll just get ’em altered. But, I don’t wanna spend another $15 per pair of pants just to get the inseam shortened…Screw it! It ain’t that much longer…I’ll just wear them cuffs out again like I have so many times in the past. Why don’t they make pants that fit me? Who cares!?! Just grab these pairs of pants and get to the check out line already! AAAGGGHH! Just get outta here already!

(set scene: Herb is next in line at the returns desk)

Herb’s inner monologue: “Damn! This line’s just fer returns! AAGGH!”

(set scene: Herb is fifth in line at the TJ Maxx check-out registers)

Herb’s inner monologue: “Man, I shouldn’t have had those 2 lunch beers….Is there a bathroom here? Forget it! I’m not leaving my place in line. What’s taking so long? Whatever…I’m just gonna leave these pants at the returns desk and go home. NO! nononono! Do NOT leave TJ Maxx without these pants! Do NOT leave these pants behind! Fine…stupid lunch beers…What’s taking so long? AAAGGHHH!!!”

(set scene: Herb is walking towards camera with TJ Maxx up in flames behind him)

Naw, that last scene never really happened outside of my head. But, I did throw those pants into my car before storming off due to an irritable bladder. I’m still not really sure what those pants look like…oh, well….


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