Last night I drove from West Virginia to NYC from the hours of 11pm to 4am after getting up at the ungodly hour of 8am. Needless to say, things got interesting after only a couple hours of being in the car. So I am now going to recap some conversations I had with myself and other drivers and buildings and random things I encountered.
– “How is it possible that I have purchased hundreds of coffees from Sheetz (best gas station ever) and tonight is the first I’ve heard of this “buy five, get one free coffee club” business? You all owe me AT LEAST 25 coffees. Most likely more. Does this exist for MTO (made-to-order sandwiches) as well? If that’s the case, then you should probably just cut me a check for like 5000 dollars. You probably will say that it doesn’t work like that. Well nuts to that.”
– “Does Ira Glass (from the radio program This American Life) talk like that all the time? If I was his friend, I’d tell him to stop using so many stupid pauses and talk like a normal person. I sure do love his show though. Remember that one where that adult woman didn’t know unicorns weren’t real? That was funny. But maybe they are real and they’re just really fucking stealthy. They can fly, right? Maybe they just live in the air and never get tired. But we’d probably see them when we were in airplanes and stuff. But maybe killing them all with airplanes is what made them extinct. Wait, wait, wait… that’s Pegasus I’m thinking of now, right? Was that real too? Oh wait. Unicorns aren’t real. I think I need some more coffee”
– “Thanks for driving at inconsistent speeds and forcing me to change lanes 4 times before making me drive recklessly for 2 minutes so I will never have to see you again. You are bad at driving. I wish a pox upon your family! And may you receive genital warts from a starving hooker!!!”
– “Is that ice on the road? No. It can’t be. The car says it’s 34 degrees and it hasn’t showed or anything. But the road sure is shiny. Maybe it did snow. You’re just seeing things because you’re so tired. It’s not really shiny. Well that doesn’t sound good. Maybe I shouldn’t be driving right now. You definitely shouldn’t be driving right now.”
– “Dag. I gotta take a leak. Bad. But I’m in Manhattan at 4am. Even the bars are closed. Should I pee on the street? That doesn’t seem right. But man I gotta go. Is my crotch warm? Did I just pee myself? No. I didn’t. Man, I gotta get out of this car and take a leak and go to bed. Maybe I’ll have a beer before I fall asleep though. Why are these lights turning red when there is nobody else even in sight? Ok. I’m parking right here and taking a leak in the gutter. Hopefully I’m not attacked by police or polar bears or anything like that.”